1. I’m not sure what I want for dinner. Should I get pizza? Chinese? Maybe I should do EasyMac? Pasta?

    You know what I’ll do? I’ll decide what I want to eat on an hour-long television special. It seems logical, after all. Why not fill an hour with clips of me eating food, then discuss the pros and cons of each choice I could make. And though it’s advertised as an hour long, it’ll end up being only twenty minutes long, with forty minutes of advertisements because, hey, making decisions isn’t cheap.

    Sure, I could just say what I’m going to eat for dinner and then just eat it, but that takes the fun out of it. After all, I have a brand I have to build, even though I haven’t even eaten lunch yet.

  2. And when I say that “we” have a hit on our hands, I’m really giving you way too much credit, because let’s be honest, the success of iPhone has nothing to do with you. In fact, iPhone is a smash hit in spite of your network, not because of it. That’s how good we are here at Apple — we’re so good that even you and your team of Bell System frigtards can’t stop us. You know what it’s like being your business partner? It’s like trying to swim the English Channel with a boat anchor tied to my legs. And yes, in case you’re not following me, in that analogy, you, my friend, are the fucking boat anchor.

    — Fake Steve Jobs on AT&T’s whining and what’s wrong with America

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